May11&June18

Basketball, Joan Didion, and difficult personalities.

May 11

A couple months ago, I bought a couple pocket-sized journals to carry around with me so that I can word vomit no matter where I am, like a diary situation, and then use the other in place of my iPhone notes app. I’d love to be one of those people who consistently pen-to-paper journal, but my brain moves entirely too fast for my weak little fingers to keep up unless I’m typing. that way, I can make as many typos as my heart/brain/fingers desire. So what that means is that the diary has been abandoned, and the note taking journal is now full of Celtics game stats, funny Community quotes, and fun facts about different CIA-backed coups.

June 18

One month and one week since writing anything with a modicum of substance because I’ve been making some real, tangible progress at becoming a reader. Twas silly of me to believe for so long that I could write anything worth reading without being well-read. I have approximately 8 billion books to read, 3 billion of which are currently collecting dust on five different surfaces in my bedroom. And because of this, I’m on a book-buying ban. No books are allowed to be purchased by me until I finish the books in my current rotation of reads, which is kind of expansive because I just love too much.

The only book I’ve finished this year is The Catcher in the Rye. Yes, this was my first time reading it. Yes. I know. Very shocking considering the depressing way I behave and move through the world. I’m not even a little bit embarrassed to admit- actually, no, I’ll proudly proclaim, that Holden Caulfield reminded me greatly of myself and the few people who are the closest to me in my life. It was very comforting but also distressing to me. Distressing because I spent the entire reading experience feeling like the novel served as a cautionary tale of what could have been a reality for me if I were born a male in a wealthy family. Large characteristics of Holden’s personality, like his incessant judgment of everyone around him, even those he loved, admired, or even envied, and his confusion and anger with the ways those same people chose to go about their lives and the decisions that they chose to make, made him incredibly relatable to me, as well as, I’m sure, pretty much everyone else who loves this book. Certain more specific details, such as his sexual hangups and his very special and dear relationships with his three siblings, made it feel like Salinger manifested my existence. How is this made-up kid so relatable? Like duh, you’re not alone blah blah other people you’ve never met feel the same way you do blah blah, but sometimes it really hits you. Below is an excerpt from my diary that I feel really exemplifies just how disgustingly relatable Holden is to me:

“I’m entirely too sensitive for most people to tolerate. I’m incredibly blunt to the point of unintentional harshness. I give unsolicited advice and I truly believe I know what is best for people better than they do. But anytime I explain this predicament to anyone, they tell me just to be myself, which I have never ever in my 20 years of life had a problem doing. trying to be someone else has never appealed to me.”

I hate phonies!!!

I’m currently in the midst of two works by Joan Didion: The White Album and her collection of essays and novels from the 1980s and 90s, including Salvador and Miami. Every time I open either of those books I am overwhelmed and infinitely impressed by her distinct ability to force me into interest of seemingly any topic, a talent that I pray to God that I will one day possess a single crumb of. At times I struggle with The White Album and not allowing myself to fall down Wikipedia rabbit holes when she mentions a random piece of 1960s California lore in passing that is largely unrelated to the overarching topic at hand. Earlier this evening, I got to have a conversation about Patty Hearst that I would have been grossly unprepared for had she not mentioned her one single time in The White Album. Thank you, Miss Didion, for everything you’ve done for the attempted-writer and people-with-too-many-areas-of-study communities.

Done now. Okay. Plz subscribe and like and comment and tell me you love me so much and I’m beautiful. OK thx bye.